Happy Birthday, Matthew!

My brother in 2006.

My brother turned fifteen last Sunday, and I was finally going to give him his first quote post, because I have amassed enough funny lines from him. However, I had friends in town, completely forgot about it, and then had a busy week in which an already-belated birthday post couldn’t make high priority, especially since I had to sort through index cards from my analog quote-collecting years. Now, at last, I have prepared this post. The first quote is from when he was seven:

“The skill of reading has changed my life.”

“Yes, I like the music, but I’m not dancing. I’m being a turtle.”

“Is a niña a kind of dance or something?”

When he was eight years old, Mom told him to stop pestering her about toys he wanted, and he came out with this: “But you need us to ask you for things so that you know what we desire, and can give us appropriate gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Easter, and stuff!”

A classic case of a misplaced modifier: “I saw five hummingbirds reading Gaal the Conqueror.”

“The twin towers are extinct.”

“Oh! I would really like to see Princess Diaries again!”

“By ‘safe,’ I mean that I can go to the bathroom whenever I need to without having to go to another room.”

Announced randomly, with no explanation: “As long as there are cows, there will be cheese.”

“They treat me like I’m invisible! …And don’t say that’s because I’m wearing camo.”

“Wow, you’re actually in vogue for once, even if it’s only in style on the other side of the world!”

“‘Superior intellect’ is not a term often used by people who don’t have it.”

“Was she giving Baby Jesus hot sauce?”

Asked whether he would prefer to sing or dance: “I’d say singing, because the alternative is too terrible to contemplate.”

“I thought you were saying that her mom’s name is Philippians!”

“Sorry, I was distracted. I thought I heard a zombie dying.”

“I don’t think that therapy offices would be open during the Cyberman and Dalek war.”

“Right now, my Deepest ‘Darkest’ Secret is that I absentmindedly painted my toenails black with a permanent marker.”

“The wedding being over is always my favorite part of a wedding.”

“‘Mmhmm’ is my typical response to irrefutable truth.”