It is Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day, and seeing posts about that online made me think about my own experience with depression, which occurred off and on from late 2009 to 2011. I am usually reluctant to say anything about this part of my past, because I do not want to give anyone misconceptions: I was never suicidal, and I don't want to confuse anyone or make my story seem more dramatic than it was. The truth is, quite simply, that I was lonely and sick and felt like my existence made all kinds of problems for people. I had health problems that no one understood, and even though it was nothing life-threatening, my then-unidentified food allergies and a host of other problems made life very hard for me. I had a monstrous temper, had trouble with some schoolwork, would get easily distracted, could not focus well on anything other than books, and felt lethargic, sick, and hopeless. The behavioral issues and my overall sense of malaise made it very hard to have a cheerful disposition towards life.
At the same time, I had very few meaningful friendships to support me, and because I never made any effort to fit in, I felt completely alone in my youth group. I refused to conform to what I unsympathetically viewed as idiotic behavior, so I stood out as different and isolated, and even though I am very proud of myself for avoiding the typical teenage trap of trying to be like everyone else, it was painful to be completely different and unable to relate to others. There were some people whom I knew liked me, but they had other friends, and I never felt like I belonged or mattered. I genuinely believed that if I disappeared, only a few people would notice or care, and they would mainly be the leaders. They liked me, but my peers would ignore me, laugh at me, talk over me in group conversations, and generally make me feel unwanted. With the maturity and perspective I now have, I see that nobody did this by design; they were self-focused and so busy trying to be cool and accepted that they had no sense of how they were treating me.
I was very lonely, thought I was a nuisance to everyone, and sometimes wished I could just die, even though I would never, ever commit suicide. I was never depressed enough to lose all sense of proportion, and even though I was unhappy with my life and believed that I did nothing but annoy and create problems for others, I knew that suicide was not an option. It would fix absolutely nothing, since my goal was to stop making life harder for others, and dying would rob me of all the joy left to me in life. On my gloomiest days, I still knew that there was a possibility of me having a happy, functional adult life, and I knew it would be madness to wish that away just because I was miserable in the moment. Even at the worst lows, I could still giggle about things, have positive experiences, take pleasure in reading good books, and have meaningful conversations with my sister. Other things might be painful and frustrating, but if I could still feel happiness in the midst of it, there was hope for my future.
I had a strongly anti-suicide outlook in general because I knew that no man could rightly weigh the worth of a life or the hopelessness of a situation: he might thwart the very moment of deliverance by pulling the trigger. God is the grand storyteller, and even when we are not sure what purpose or goodness there is in our existence, our lives come together in the tapestry He weaves. I knew that my life was worth living just out of virtue of my existence; if I was here, then obviously God had a purpose for me, and I bore His image.
One thing that encouraged me greatly was the philosophical view that my life was a story. In any good book, a character has no assurance that they will have a happy ending, but the author purposefully guides each plot thread and character development to the desired goal. I believe in a God who orchestrates history and details the moments of our lives before we are born, so there was no way I could take my life into my own hands. I did not want to miss the rest of the story. I could not muster up enthusiasm for life sometimes, but I was still curious, and recognizing how unknowable the future is was instrumental in motivating me to think beyond my current circumstances.
Wonderful years have passed since I struggled with this, and I am enjoying all kinds of blessings I gloomily predicted I would never experience. I am grateful for many meaningful relationships, a deeper relationship with God, health improvements, the ability to write well, my job at the library, and all the happy things I never thought would be real for me. I am so grateful to be alive for all this. When I was depressed and did not want to get out of bed and face the world, feeling like my life was slipping pointlessly away, I had no idea what good things would come, but I chose to trust the God who ordered my days. I chose to believe that life was worth it. I am grateful for the influences which helped me to view the world the way I did, from The Lord of the Rings to Doctor Who to the music I listened to, especially Relient K and Switchfoot. Many people who feel alone engage in nihilistic entertainment that speaks to their despair, but by the grace of God, I filled my life with consistent messages that life had meaning and was completely worth it.
Even if you're not happy, it's still a beautiful world, and the sun keeps rising. There is always a reason to keep going, and I hope that if you feel alone or fear that life is meaningless, you will find hope in Christ and know renewal and redemption.
I had a strongly anti-suicide outlook in general because I knew that no man could rightly weigh the worth of a life or the hopelessness of a situation: he might thwart the very moment of deliverance by pulling the trigger. God is the grand storyteller, and even when we are not sure what purpose or goodness there is in our existence, our lives come together in the tapestry He weaves. I knew that my life was worth living just out of virtue of my existence; if I was here, then obviously God had a purpose for me, and I bore His image.
One thing that encouraged me greatly was the philosophical view that my life was a story. In any good book, a character has no assurance that they will have a happy ending, but the author purposefully guides each plot thread and character development to the desired goal. I believe in a God who orchestrates history and details the moments of our lives before we are born, so there was no way I could take my life into my own hands. I did not want to miss the rest of the story. I could not muster up enthusiasm for life sometimes, but I was still curious, and recognizing how unknowable the future is was instrumental in motivating me to think beyond my current circumstances.
Wonderful years have passed since I struggled with this, and I am enjoying all kinds of blessings I gloomily predicted I would never experience. I am grateful for many meaningful relationships, a deeper relationship with God, health improvements, the ability to write well, my job at the library, and all the happy things I never thought would be real for me. I am so grateful to be alive for all this. When I was depressed and did not want to get out of bed and face the world, feeling like my life was slipping pointlessly away, I had no idea what good things would come, but I chose to trust the God who ordered my days. I chose to believe that life was worth it. I am grateful for the influences which helped me to view the world the way I did, from The Lord of the Rings to Doctor Who to the music I listened to, especially Relient K and Switchfoot. Many people who feel alone engage in nihilistic entertainment that speaks to their despair, but by the grace of God, I filled my life with consistent messages that life had meaning and was completely worth it.
Even if you're not happy, it's still a beautiful world, and the sun keeps rising. There is always a reason to keep going, and I hope that if you feel alone or fear that life is meaningless, you will find hope in Christ and know renewal and redemption.
"It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something. There's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."
- Samwise Gamgee, The Two Towers
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