The Panda Unmasked: Library Life

Even though I have been far too busy for the past two years to maintain this blog to my satisfaction, I still think of it often and occasionally feel guilty for not sharing spiritual thoughts or life updates the way that I used to. I'm not here to fix that today, but I am going to post something, because I decided that it was high time for me to round up some funny library thoughts from my Twitter account and share them here. The first one is something I posted back in June 2013, a few months before the library hired me.

2013: "You know you're homeschooled when you give directions based on where the library is located."

2014: "Parents who scream, 'BE QUIET, YOU'RE IN THE LIBRARY!' are truly special people."

2015: "The best part about working at the library is weeding decrepit trashy romance novels out of the collection. It's so satisfying."

2015: "Coworkers in other jobs may talk about their wild exploits, but at the library, we talk about vocabulary words we used to mispronounce."

2016: "You know it's a slow night at the library when the people at the desk are looking up YouTube videos of how to eat pomegranates."

2017: "Before closing last night, we discovered that SOMEONE UNBOLTED AND STOLE THE TOILET PAPER DISPENSER IN THE MEN'S ROOM."

2018: "At the library yesterday, I found a VeggieTales bookmark that someone left in a book about small business accounting."

2018: "At the one library program I attended in childhood, I overheard boys slamming homeschooling. Tonight, I took my little sister to a library program, and before it started, kids raved about how desirable homeschooling is. TAKE THAT, random kids from 2003. History proved you wrong."

2018: "Some kid spilled vanilla bean perfume on a book and then PUT IT IN THE LIBRARY BOOK DROP. I brought in an air purifier from my car, but the circulation room still reeked for hours. I love my job, but sometimes I feel less than affectionate towards the public."

2019: "Marie Kondo is inspiring hordes of people to donate their unwanted books to my library. The trouble is, The Updated 1986 Guide to California Real Estate doesn't really spark joy on our end, either."

In addition to sharing my own library life reflections, I also share my coworkers' comments anonymously. (The first three, however, are from Kate. She's not anonymous anymore, because she said enough funny things to get her own quote post.) Anyway, without further ado, here are some favorite #ThingsLibrariansSay:

"That is my spirit animal: a tired, overworked salmon."

"We only allow giraffes into the library if they're service giraffes."

"I have sad news about our sticker situation."

"I remember 2013. I turned 21 and bought 21 bottles of wine, which was excessive and unnecessary."

“If I ever get published and become famous, I won’t pay someone to manage my brand. I’ll pay them to hide me. And my author photo will be a picture of my cat.”

"I'm going to rage against the machine today. The coin machine."

"What am I reading? This is, like, low-key smut. I thought this was just a historical fiction book!"

"Now I want to yell at people out of the book drop. That would be fun."

"It's not everything about the library. It's just some things that I hate."

"I brought my own lunch from home for the first time in months. Do you want to know what I brought? Lunchables."

"What the epithet of choice is going on here?"

"I feel like I used to be a patient person, but at some point, it just stopped."

"She wrote this whole story in her college application essay about going to visit me in a psych ward. I was NEVER in a psych ward!"

"I hate romance books. Every time I walk by those shelves, I'm disgusted. I call it the smut section." (This one could have been me, but it was not. I found a new friend!)

Sometimes, I share tweets with photos attached. When I created my Twitter account, I chose to go anonymous just to protect my privacy, but now, it means that I can share library-related stuff without worrying that some patron will discover that I publicly shamed them for putting urine-damaged books in our book drop.

See? I told you! I don't work Thursdays, so I wasn't there when this happened, but I got a picture when Sheryl, our damaged books lady, was charging the patron's account days later. Fortunately, the patron did come back to blame their cat and pay the damage fees.