Happy Birthday, Matthew! [2]

My younger brother is sixteen today. When he was a child, he liked it when I told him stories about our stuffed animals, so I made up many dramatic, episodic tales in which Teefty, my stuffed horse, had adventures. I had told these types of stories for years, irritating my older sister on a nightly basis when we were supposed to be falling asleep in our shared room, and it was nice to finally have an eager and interested audience. 

              The stories became even more interesting when I started making them up for Matthew, because they developed a consistent villain. Templeton, his chartreuse stuffed rat, bullied Teefty and her other horse friends, pulling their tails. Templeton was a troublemaker who delighted in chaos, and when I was in middle school, I wrote a whole series of stories specifically about him and his misadventures. 

              One would assume that once Matthew and I both reached certain ages, this shared interest would end, but we still play with our stuffed animals. As time has passed, the characters have continued to develop, going in new and uncharted directions, and their interactions and dramas provide lots of amusement in our home. I am grateful for Matthew, for our shared childhoods, and for all the weirdness that we still share. 

              He also grew up to be really funny. Here are his quotes from the past year:

When I read aloud a dramatic scene from my 2010 dream journal, he said, “Oh, they just threw her to the sharks. No biggie.”

Regarding said dream: “I think your mind was even darker than Batman’s. If your mind is darker than The Dark Knight, you have a problem!”

“One thing that always puzzled me was adult actors in kid’s shows. They must be ESFPs with no sense of dignity, because otherwise, how could they do that? They’re like, ‘Hey, kid, I’m dressed half like a clown and half like a banana that fell into a bowl of oranges. Now let’s jump around with weird computerized bouncy sounds!’”

      

      About how he relates to Lydia, our younger sister: “Words of encouragement is not my strong suit. Hence, ‘You’re doing it wrong; let me do it.’”

“You killed [friend's 2013 bully] in your heart on a Sunday morning, right after church, WHILE LISTENING TO A SONG ABOUT FORGIVENESS?”

About my favorite stuffed animal: “Someday, if you get married, will you stop calling Panda your love?” (I said probably not.)

“When a stuffed animal beats you, that’s when you know you have Monopoly troubles.”

“It’s funny how things like Windex always say ‘do not put in eyes,’ since eyes are the windows of the soul.”

“Socks are very important for well-being and happiness in life.”

“My pajamas look less like pajamas than Lydia’s do. And they definitely look less like pajamas than Dorothy’s leggings!”

“Dad will tell me, ‘Wow, you’re really observant!’ Or he’ll ask, ‘Where have you been for the last twelve years?’ It's always one or the other.”

Once, when he asked why I was laughing, I said, “I’m appreciating my own weirdness.” He responded, “Well, you have a lot of that to appreciate.”

“I have a hard time remembering the pirate’s name. I’m like, ‘It’s something like… James Wren.’”

“You didn’t even sell your soul to the devil, you sold it to Teefty!”

“We were delayed because you shoved over the school bus.”

“Now I’m glad that my pickaxe burned in lava!”

“Someday, if you were even more eccentric and had a million dollars, I bet you would start a Teefty theme park, and people would be like, 'Whhhhhat is she DOIN’?”

“That's one of the worst pick-up lines you could come up with. But not as bad as Anakin's.”

Reading an illustrated story about Templeton that I wrote in 2007: “It’s funny that you say ‘his cuteness was only fur-deep,’ because his fur is so short.”

“I am writing a very important official document related to the government. And my last will and testament.”

“World leaders don’t have play dates.”

“I didn’t beg. I presented well-reasoned arguments.”

“My burps have great vocal range.”

About his creativity during the Olympics: “Then I realized, ‘You know, I’ve spent ten hours making cardboard crafts for a stuffed horse’s birthday party.’”

Taking photos of the posed stuffed horse from all angles: “I am dancing around Teefty to take pictures of her. This is demeaning.”

              The next three quotes are from him voicing Templeton:

“I’m a part-time lawyer. My firm is Slimy and Slimier.”

“I’m also an ordained priest in the Church of Pond Scum.”

“You are excommunicated from the Church of Pond Scum!”

“I don’t know if it’s wet, but it’s Lydia’s towel, so I suppose it has cooties.”

When I told him that I didn’t want to play Monopoly, he gasped and said, “You’re afraid of long-term commitment!”

“He’s good at what he does, which is not public speaking.”

“I try to avoid making fun of people, unless they’re Lydia.”

About Teefty: “I’m not saying she has a low IQ. I’m saying she doesn’t have one.”

“Templeton is staring into the eye of the Siberian Tiger Blanket, because they say whoever looks into it will gain wisdom. Or turn into lima bean Jello. We’re not sure which. The translation is vague.”

On the Fourth of July: “I am not going to read the Declaration of Independence to a stuffed horse!”

But there he is, about half an hour later, reading the Declaration of Independence to a stuffed horse. However, he claims he was really just reading it to me.

I thought we should get rid of Cockadoodle Do the Right Thing, an old VHS, but he said, “No, it was great! The evil vacuum cleaner was hilarious. I watched that video a few years ago, when I was older, and it was still funny! It has a good audience retention rate.”

              “I’m kind of an expert on dried blood.”

              “You have never met Monopoly dice if you think they’re not sentient creatures!”

2017 post