2/21/16: Relent

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love." - A.A. Milne

A year ago today, my friend Sophie departed for an eight-week mission trip to Asia. This was our first extended separation, and because I am intimately acquainted with my own selfishness, idolatry, and bitterness, I worried about this trip for months, fearing how miserable I could make myself while missing her. Worse, I knew that this was only the beginning, because in the fall, she would move to college, and from there, who knew where God would call her? All I was sure of was that she would be living and doing ministry apart from me. Such change is a natural part of life, but my friendship with Sophie has been such a source of love, joy, and satisfaction that I could not imagine feeling at peace with our paths diverging.

I could not reason my way out of my feelings, but through God's work in my life, I was able to change and make the most of this opportunity. Because of my health issues, I am not able to go overseas, but I contributed to global missions last year by supporting my friend without selfish, painful double-mindedness. It was a joy to become excited about Sophie's missions opportunity and support her without guilt over a divided heart. In the months preceding her trip, I thought that my feelings were unchangeable and that I would just plod on in opposition to them, but God provided the influences, grace, and impetus I needed to reevaluate life and see the world differently.

When I stood next to Sophie in the airport last February and gave her a final hug, I was brewing with mixed-up emotions, but I was content. I knew that this trip was God's will for both of our lives, and because of what I had been through personally, I could see His sovereign hand in the details of life and knew that no matter what happened, everything would be just as it ought to be. The painful, confusing trials I had been facing provided exactly the resources, clarity, and reordered affections I needed to face this new circumstance with peace and confidence, knowing that God is good, loves us, provides for us, and uses us to accomplish His kingdom purposes on earth.

In January 2016, Russell D. Moore's book Tempted and Tried: Temptation and the Triumph of Christ made a big difference in my life. Its emphasis on the kingdom purposes of God helped me reevaluate my perspective, and through this and a convergence of other experiences, my heart changed. Instead of worrying about what I think I need for a happy and fulfilled life, I can focus on building God's kingdom and being faithful within whatever circumstances I face. The gospel frees me to stop obsessing over my world and to find complete, meaningful satisfaction in God and His work.

Before my life changed, I affirmed the truth of such ideas, but they were an ideal, not something I had experienced on an intense, lasting heart level. Now, because of the trials I endured leading up to the event, the lessons I learned, and the grace I have received, I can honestly say that I know this kind of peace and satisfaction. Sophie's trip to Asia was a life-changing event, and a significant part of my journey to surrendering everything and finding out that Jesus really was enough. Relying on Christ, I find that I can enjoy friendships and stages of life to the fullest without fearing change. I am free to learn, grow, love, promote God's glory, and pursue others' well-being without becoming so tied to an individual or circumstance that I cannot endure loss.

Recently, Sophie shared on her blog some reflections about last year's missions trip and an announcement about what she is doing this summer. I got teary as I read this: "When I think back to my time in Asialand, I don’t remember basketball games I missed, the coffee dates with friends I gave up, the money I didn't make, the homesickness I underwent. I remember joy, because obedience brings life. That’s been a huge theme of my semester. To be in obedience to Lord is the best place to be. The safest place to be, the most beautiful, frightening, comforting place."

I learned those same lessons at the same time, in different ways. I learned what it meant to obey, sacrifice, and reorder my priorities to honor God's mission above my comfort level and preferences. What I experienced was invisible to others, but it counted, and it changed my life. Sophie was the one who went overseas, gained missions experience, made new friends, and experienced fundamental paradigm-shifts that changed her life, but the impact of her trip reached beyond her and those she worked with and ministered to. It also changed some of the people who stayed home. God uses circumstances for His glory and our good, and their immediate and ripple effects span much further than any individual can see from their own vantage point. This life experience shows me how good, faithful, all-knowing, and purposeful God is, and I am grateful for the ways that someone else's life event transformed me.

This morning, as I reread parts of Sophie's recent blog post and journaled related reflections, I listened on repeat to a song from a band she introduced me to this fall. The beautiful music swells into a climax during this bridge and repeat of the chorus, and instead of just admiring it as good music or affirming the theological accuracy of the lyrics, I cried with joy over how I have seen this in my own life. Obedience is worth it. Surrender and faithfulness are painful, but in self-denial, love, and sacrifice, I find who I was meant to be all along.

"I just want to live in peace

But I'm struggling to believe

That letting go will bring me peace

Can I sit here at your feet?

'Cause this is right where I belong

Yeah, I can feel it in my soul

You say I'm right where I belong

And I know that I belong

Yeah, I know that I belong

Yeah, I know that I belong

I know that I belong

I relent, there is nothing for me here

You can have it all, this life is not my own

You give life that is worth the loss of mine

I surrender all I have to follow You."

~ Citizens & Saints, "Relent"