My 2016 in Songs

Ever since 2013, I have shared reflective posts at the end of each year. Now, as if the traditional three were not enough, I am adding a review of the music I most strongly associate with events, experiences, and growth from this year. 2016 was packed full of distinctive, life-shaping experiences, and even though this sometimes involved suffering, I can say without equivocation that this has been the greatest year of my life.

"A Head Full of Dreams" – Coldplay

If I needed to sum up the year in one song, this would be it. I experienced incredible healing and change this year, and even back in January, when I was struggling with something tremendous, light was streaming through my broken windows. There are miracles at work, and I know the God whose love and purpose transcend my momentary circumstances.

"It’s true, it’s not what it seems

Leave your broken windows open

and in the light just streams

and you get a head, a head full of dreams

You can see the change you wanted

Be what you want to be

And you get a head, a head full of dreams

Into life I’ve just been spoken

with a head full, a head full of dreams

Oh I think I landed

where there are miracles at work

when you got me open-handed

when you got me lost for words."

"Sometimes by Step" – Rich Mullins

This song from my childhood provided great comfort during the trial which I experienced from October 2015 to this April. The line I clung to and sang again and again was, "And on this road to righteousness, sometimes the climb can be so steep. I may falter in my steps, but never beyond your reach." I could also sing with conviction and honesty, "I will follow you all of my days." In the midst of pain and uncertainty, the one thing I was sure of was God's love for me, and through this testing, I discovered that I loved Him a lot more than I realized.

"When I'm With You" – Ben Rector

Around this time, my dear friend Sophie was getting ready to go overseas for two months. I knew that I could survive without her for eight weeks, but considering her trip forced me to deal with my emotions about her going to college in the fall, and how much our friendship would change as time and distance became obstacles. I listened to this song endlessly, because even though it has romantic overtones, it works perfectly well for deep platonic friendship. "When I'm with you, I know who I am and who I want to be." I had felt that for so long with Sophie that I feared living life without her continual presence, and this song provided a sense of clarity and comfort when I felt like nothing could ever be the same. I can genuinely and rightly cherish our friendship without making it my sole source of joy and satisfaction. She has been a constant influence towards holiness for me, and I do not have to be near her all the time to appreciate and benefit from the ways that she has grown and changed me. Even when I am not with her, that bond can endure.

"Sailboat" – Ben Rector

While I dealt with turmoil in my inner life, this utterly honest song resonated with me deeply. I can't hear it without picturing myself alone in the car, belting out the song almost viciously to silence my anxious thoughts. I had no idea what my future was going to hold, and the possibilities at that point terrified me, but I was able to grip my steering wheel and bellow this song loudly, knowing that this was an important part of my life to delve into and grow through.

"I'm pretty sure I'm heard

At least I know I'm speaking

But I feel like a fool

Cause I can't hear you listening

But I'm not giving up

Oh I will move on forward

I'm gonna raise my sail

God knows what I'm headed towards

Oh I'm out in the waves

I'm hoping and praying

Please let this wind blow me home

Night after night there's an empty horizon

And my God do I feel so alone

Sometimes life, and most times I, feel just like a sailboat"

"Savannah" – Relient K

I associate this song with walking home from the library on a gorgeous, golden spring evening, grinning giddily as I thought about the story I was going to begin at home. I rejoiced over how much better my life turned out than I ever dreamed, and felt an overwhelming, soul-filling joy over how the worst and most painful things in my life led me to loves and commitments beyond anything I ever imagined, opening the door to the things I love to write and celebrate. Sometimes, my life feels ridiculous, but I got what I wanted, and it makes me so happy.

"Be Thou My Vision" – Kings Kaleidoscope cover

Ever since I was in sixth grade, I have been waiting for someone to cover this song in the perfect way. This version is exactly what I wanted, and became the triumphant finish to the trial I had been facing for six months. My favorite line is, "Be thou my battle shield, sword for the fight; be thou my dignity, thou my delight." I wrote in my journal, "Christ is my righteousness, so He is my dignity, and instead of seeking security in a self-created world of chosen moral goodness that loses its mind when the brokenness and thwarting nature of sin intrudes, I can rely on the goodness and purity of my Savior, who carried all my shame, whether earned or circumstantial, and triumphed over it in the cross."

"Golden" – Switchfoot

When my friend got home from her trip overseas, I was eager to tell her finally about what God had been doing in my life. I wrote about that in a blog post here. I irrevocably associate this song with that night, because it was playing in my car as I drove home from her house late at night.

"The Earth spins and the moon goes round

      The green comes from the frozen ground
      And everything will be made new again

 Like freedom in spring."

Beyond Control – Kings Kaleidoscope

This entire CD is perfection. Last year, the first KK album had a tremendous spiritual impact on me, and the sophomore release was in perfect harmony with this new chapter in my life. As I enjoyed a wonderful summer with good friends and special experiences, I listened to this album over and over again, letting its truths soak in and learning how to see the world from a new perspective.

The album fits together as a work of art in its entirety, and one of its main themes is dealing with anxiety and letting God's love and grace fill you to the point where you no longer demand control. For years, I have struggled with health issues that impact my emotional and mental health, and this was my first time encountering music that dealt with those types of issues in a way I could relate to. One song asks, "Will you keep me when I can't think straight?" I knew that the answer was a resounding yes. Through Sophie's love and grace to me, and the comfort that I experienced in Christ even before talking to anyone about my issues, I knew that others' love could reach beyond the things I thought were deal-breakers in my relationship with myself.

I love the entire album, but my favorite songs are the final three: "Gone," "A Prayer," and "Trackless Sea." I have listened to them innumerable times, overcome with gratitude and relief to see how far I have come in my spiritual journey. I could write multiple posts about this album, and probably will someday. For now, I'll just finish by saying that it's such a comfort that after years of struggle in my relationship with God and final areas of my life that I held back, I can now sincerely sing, "I care not where my way is led. Fearless I walk the trackless sea, 'cause all my life is life with Thee."

"If the House Burns Down Tonight" – Switchfoot

"And you fight for what you love, don't matter if it hurts. You find out what it's worth, and you let the rest burn." This has been my favorite song ever since the new Switchfoot album, Where the Light Shines Through, came out in July. I have sung it over and over again, and got to experience it live at the concert in October. When I was younger, my ultimate fear was the house burning down, and I would think anxious thoughts about it every night. It feels so great to honestly sing, "If the house burns down tonight, I've got everything I need" and no longer feel tied to personal possessions or even sentimental items. I enjoy these good gifts, but I do not require them to have a good life, and I am so glad for the special relationships and ideals that I would let everything burn for.

"The Day That I Found God" – Switchfoot

This raw, beautiful song meant a lot to me, because  even though I had the best summer of my life and experienced unprecedented joy and healing, even the most idyllic and beautiful time of life is not without it challenges, and as I dealt with trying to forgive someone from the past and wrestled with difficult feelings about things which I had worked through, it meant so much to sing,

"I get caught chasing my own illusions

I get so lost in these confusions

I keep on looking for my own solutions

But that ain't you, that ain’t you no

My enemies weren't the ones I had fought

My liberties weren't the freedoms I had sought

What I learned weren't the lessons I'd been taught

I found out the day I lost myself was

The day that I found God."

"Hard Love" – NeedtoBreathe

My friend Elizabeth introduced me to this song this summer. It sums up an important part of my life's journey, and even though my younger self would be mortally offended that I relate to her a song involving the line "what don't kill you makes you stronger," it felt magnificent to sing this song with my new vantage point, able to look back upon the past and know that it is all truly over. My life has changed, and I can look back and be grateful for all of it, knowing that my struggles shaped the person I became. The suffering which I have experienced has given me a deeper love and satisfaction in God than I ever could have known otherwise.

"Hello Hurricane" – Switchfoot

I knew this song in the past, but now I can sing it with absolute sincerity.

"Every thing I have I count as loss

Everything I have is stripped away

Before I started building

I counted up these costs

There's nothing left for you to take away

I'm on fire fighting for control

I'm a fighter fighting for my soul

Everything inside of me surrenders

You can't silence my love

You can't silence my love."

I believe this more than I ever did. I have nothing left to lose, and I'm free to love God and others in a way I never was before, because I'm no longer preoccupied with all my problems, obsessing over my guilt or innocence and fighting to protect myself. I gave it all over, and I can accept grace. This kind of love changes everything, because I have nothing more to fight for, and I can humble myself enough to not care anymore to parse out what I ought to be ashamed of and what isn't my fault. It is all covered, and it is all paid for, and none of it matters anymore. By relenting at last and letting Christ be my dignity instead of feeling like I must preserve my own, I am a different person, and it delights me to chart this progress through the songs I listened to in 2016.