How to Write One-Dimensional Fantasy Characters

Earlier this year, I did a series of parody posts about how to write bestselling books, and the last one was "How to Write the Next Hit Fantasy Series." I covered many topics in that post, but to keep the post short and readable, I could not delve as deeply as I wished into characterization details.

Before we begin, I wish to differentiate between two clearly defined markets: girl books and boy books. Go ahead and rant all you want that gender stereotyping is oppressive and warps young minds; it works for the publishing industry and will continue as long as consumers fall for it. If you want a quick buck, toss out a half-baked novel that could only appeal to a very specific stereotype market. 

      Fantasy stories for girls: young female has a psychic bond with a pegasus. Lots of people fall in love.

      Fantasy stories for boys: Violence, action, and over-the-top adventure. Such books disregard laws of nature and are full of gore.

That's all you need to know to write a successful gender-based novel. However, if those rigid concepts of audience are unappealing to you, or you hope to write a lasting classic instead of a quick bestseller to pay the rent, employ the following stock characters and variations upon them. There is room for variation based on plot and setting, but you are not allowed to be creative. Even if you take us to Mary Sue 6.0, it still has to be Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: In pop culture, this is a term which describes a character that has no faults and has everything going for them. If your character is more successful at a younger age than everyone else, is stunningly beautiful, is immediately proficient at everything they attempt, and is loved and adored by everyone, you have a Mary Sue. Literary elites criticize such characters, but most fantasy readers adore them, because it's a self-projection of everything they wish they could be.

Healer woman: She puts salve on gaping wounds and is an angelic beacon of hope and light. She's considered a wise woman, but never actually does anything wise. She just carries around a bag of herbs and heals people in her forest cottage.

Armor craftsman: These characters are very proud of their work and like to take main characters on longwinded tours. This is how you, the author, show off how much research you did about different types of weapons.

Dark, brooding man with scarred past: Often a prime candidate for a love interest, this character always dresses in black, is very reserved, and is both physically and psychologically scarred. Perhaps someone else's death was his fault, or his father was killed, or the love of his life was murdered before his eyes. Or all of the above. In this story, he should drop frequent hints about his past suffering, and the truth should eventually come out in a dramatic way. In the meantime, to keep this dark and brooding character sympathetic, he should have an uncharacteristic and charming sensitivity for children or kittens.

Damsel who is definitely not in distress: Modern sensibility demands that at least one female character be stronger and braver than all the men. She should be able to take down five enemies in three seconds, while her male counterparts struggle to battle one. (For reference, watch Tauriel's introduction scene in The Desolation of Smaug.) This woman is completely self-sufficient and saves men from near-death experiences and their own mistakes. No balance of teamwork is allowed. The woman must consistently remain a Strong Female Character Who Needs No Man. She should be faster, stronger, smarter, better trained, and glamorous to boot.

Mentor: Like all mentors, he has a beard, says wise things, and dies tragically.

Villain's henchmen: None of them are very bright, and they don't accomplish much. All they do is look menacing, give your characters nonfatal injuries, and serve as the villain's audience when he wishes to describe his dastardly plans. (The hero, of course, is eavesdropping from behind a curtain or door.)

Castle guards: These exist for the sole purpose of being drugged to sleep for people to escape a dungeon. No characterization necessary!

Dragons: If they're good dragons, then they provide rides to your heroes, serving as an alternative to the Tolkien Eagle Conundrum. If they're evil, then they blast people with fire and yet are somehow vulnerable enough that they can be killed off without much trouble. It's like the dragons just want to avoid incinerating the people with weapons, and are only interested in the innocent bystanders.

Original fantasy creatures: These you concoct by combining a number of animal traits. Spend a lot of time describing them and give them hopelessly unpronounceable names. 

That should give you a start on your formulaic bestseller. Keep an eye out for a future post all about writing horrible fantasy romance!