Childlike Assurance

On June sixth, 1999, I placed my trust in Jesus Christ for salvation. I understood the gospel at a three-year-old level, and even though I could not grasp it in its fullness, I had a good sense for what it meant: I was a sinner in judgment before God, but because God is merciful, He sent His son to die on the cross and rise again, which paid the penalty I owed. Because of that act, I can become God's child, and am saved from condemnation. Although I could not have articulated it like that at the time, I grasped the concepts, and they made sense to me. 

Staring when I was in about fourth grade, my simple childish acceptance of the gospel turned into unease and doubt, for although God's existence seemed blazingly obvious, and the story of redemption made sense to me, I was terrified that I was not actually saved. In my lack of assurance, I feared that I had not truly placed faith in Christ, and the more I heard testimonies from people who thought they were saved and later realized that they had never truly understood the gospel, the more I was afraid that would be me in five years. I wanted to know God, and the very fact that I was so desperately concerned about this was a good indication that I did know Him, but at the time, I felt no confidence in my faith.

The Bible makes it clear that when you put faith in Christ, you are saved once and for all, and nothing can separate you from God (John 10:29, Romans 8:38-39). This was the ultimate message of anything I read about assurance of faith, but it did not answer my real question. It was clear that once you were adopted into the family of God, your position was secure, but how was I supposed to know if I was His child at all? If I was supposed to determine that by my actions, I must not be saved, because I was still a selfish, nasty, sinful person. But at the same time, I knew that Christians weren't perfect. What if I was a Christian, and was merely not yet sanctified to the point of better behavior? As long as I was focused on my own qualities, there was no way for me to feel any assurance of faith.

When I was older, I came to a greater understanding of the Biblical gospel of salvation, and then I finally began to grasp the concept of assurance. My right standing before God is not dependent on what I do, and instead of debating whether or not my behavior was good enough to indicate a relationship with God, I needed to trust that the sacrifice of Christ was enough to restore me to Him. My assurance is not based in a prayer that I said, but in God's ability to save everyone who calls upon Him, and my subsequent repentance and faith. The issue is not whether I was sorry enough for my sins when I first called upon God, but whether or not I am repentant now. Before, I felt a need to look back upon a particular date as assurance of my salvation, but now, I see that I can simply examine my relationship with God. It does not matter when I first truly understood the gospel, as long as I am walking in its light.

I am thankful for the assurance I now have, and as I look back upon my spiritual journey, I see that in many ways, I understood salvation better at three than I did at thirteen. As a child, without worrying about my own unrighteousness and inconsistencies, I could simply accept the truth of the gospel. I had the simple faith to trust that God's promises were true, and instead of worrying about whether or not I had responded in exactly the right way, I could trust that the God of the universe could draw me close to Him.

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 18:3